The Carnival

After everything that’s happened in the past week, I’ve done a lot of thinking about my life. My past. My family, and everything else that’s important to me. Above all, I put my family.

I’ve thought back to when Mike and I first got together, and I love that after almost 4 years, we still have that same spark. We’re still the goofy couple that poke fun at each other and have fun – after nearly 4 years, a baby, a wedding, and the recent loss – he still manages to make me laugh.

One thing you have to realize about me is that although I am not religious, and am uncomfortable with the idea of organized religion, I am very spiritual. Over the years I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have my own belief system. It takes various ideas and images from different religions and spiritualities, but I am very strong in my beliefs.

I believe each and every one of us is put on this Earth to learn various lesions through life. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that, in a sense, we have a controllable destiny. I view it as tree branches. I still make choices, but depending on what choice I take, is what route my life will go.

A few years ago, when Mike and I had only been dating for a few months, we went on a very memorable date. He took me to the Carnival. Now, this was not your typical carnival – it was set up in the style of what I’m guessing to be the 1920’s. It had an old-style Ferris Wheel, Big Top Tent and various booths and areas set up. For example, one tent had information and displays about oddities found throughout the world, like “Elephant Man” and the Bearded Lady. They had actors parading around in costume for the era. Long story short, it was fantastic.

While there, I decided to indulge myself in doing something I’d always wanted to do – get my Tarot Cards read. I went into it blindly and not expecting a whole lot. I purposely went alone while Mike went off to play one of the games.

I sat down, across the table from a middle aged man with a friendly smile. I followed his instructions and cut the cards exactly how he told me, flipping a few of them to start the reading. I have all the information written down somewhere, but I can’t seem to find the paper right now, but basically, he told me the following.

He got my personality spot on. He said that I come across as a very confident person, but am fairly insecure on the inside. I hide a bit of myself away from the world and have a hard time opening up to new people. He told me that I am a writer and have a “writer’s soul”. He urged me to never stop writing and told me that if I ever get to the point where I find that I’ve stopped writing, I will realize that I am miserable. That is very true. I went through a period of 1-2 years where I didn’t really write and I wasn’t happy.

He gave me a detailed description of the next 5 years of my life. Keep in mind that this was just over 4 years ago. He told me that I was currently dating the man I was going to marry. How he even knew I had a boyfriend, I have no idea. He never saw me with Mike. I purposely didn’t bring anything with me when I went to the booth. No purse, no wallet – nothing to give away any information about myself, yet he still knew.

The part that I keep playing over in my mind is what he told me next. He told me that I was going to have 3 children – and that one of them may not be “mine” or may not be with me. Right now, that really rings true to me. I know in my heart that I will have another child at some point. But I do feel that I have 2 children – one of them just can’t be with me.

At this point, the reading was over, but as I started to stand up, (I can’t explain what happened next), the stack of cards to my left moved, and 2 more cards flipped over. He then struggled to find the right words to tell me that in about 4.5 years, I will face a situation I never expected to be in, and it will change my life. He told me that it will be a very negative experience and I can decide how to go through it. If I chose to respond with a completely negative outlook and only see it for the negative experience it was, that my life as I know it will change for the worse. I would lose a lot that I had worked so hard to gain. But, if I decided to try and find a way to work through the situation and deal with it as positively as possible, it will strengthen my relationships and make me a stronger person.

As I pointed out, this was 4.5 years ago. Looking back, I am absolutely positive this man knew I was going to have a miscarriage, but couldn’t tell me.

Sitting here, thinking about what that man told me, years ago, is actually helping me work through this loss. I’m heartbroken, but healing. I know that I’ll never be quite the same person I was before November 16th, 2012, but I’m doing my best to work through it. I have so much to be thankful for as it is and so many people that depend on me that I can’t let myself disappear into depression. My son depends on his Mommy to have the patience to sit down on the floor and play with him for hours on end. If I let myself sink into a depression, what would that bring my son? Nothing good.

As I said in the beginning, I do believe everything happens for a reason, and while I may not understand or even agree, I have to believe in that. There is a reason for it. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it is helping me find a way to heal.


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